God, the Devil and Zell
by Carbuncle
Summary: If you've ever seen the hilarious adult cartoon series "God, the Devil and Bob" then you'll know what to expect here. The plot: Zell has been chosen to save the world. How will he achieve this? Well, that would be telling - you'll just have to read to fin


FINAL FANTASY VIII  
  
God, the Devil and Zell  
  
(Open to the Island Closest to Heaven. God (from "God, the Devil & Bob") is standing on the island with the earth in his hand)  
God: Hi, God here. So, I was all set to destroy the world when I thought, hey, I'm not that kind of god. If just one soul could show me it's worth saving, I'd spare it. Being a sporting deity, I let the Devil choose. So folks, meet your last chance for salvation.  
  
(Cut to Balamb, Zell's house. Zell is sitting in his bedroom, eating a hot dog)  
Zell: (floats) Mmm, this is a good hot dog!  
  
(Cut back to the Island Closest to Heaven)  
God: Oh, boy. Well folks, I wouldn't make any long term plans.  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria. Zell, Selphie and Irvine are all sitting at their usual table)  
Zell: I'm not lyin'! I really have seen him!  
Irvine: Yeah, right! You haven't seen him, Zell!  
Zell: I have!  
Selphie: You must have dreamt it.  
Zell: Tch... It wasn't a dream, okay?! I really saw him in the flesh!  
Irvine: Were you drunk, by any chance?  
Zell: No! I wasn't drunk, and I wasn't dreamin'! Why don't you believe me?!  
Irvine: Zell, you didn't see Elvis, all right?! Now just drop it!  
Zell: All right, all right! If it'll make ya happy!  
Irvine: Good.  
Selphie: Phew! Thank you!  
Zell: I'm goin' to my room. (walks off)  
Irvine: Man, what a weirdo.  
  
(Cut to Zell's dorm. Zell walks in)  
Zell: Damn them! Why wouldn't they believe me?!  
Voice: Hello Zell.  
Zell: !?  
Voice: How are you? (God appears on the bed)  
Zell: Holy crap! You're...!  
God: I know. Surprised?  
Zell: Damn right I am! What the hell are you doin' here in my dorm?!  
God: I thought you might ask that. I need a favour, Zell.  
Zell: From me?!  
God: Yeah. I need you to prove to me that the world is worth saving.  
Zell: I don't understand.  
God: Let me make it easier for you. I'm really disappointed in my creation.  
Zell: Your creation?  
God: Let me finish. I'm bored of the world and everyone in it. I think I'm ready to scrap it all and restart.  
Zell: I don't understand.  
God: (sighs) I want to destroy the planet.  
Zell: I don't understand.  
God: Gee, I knew it was a bad idea coming to you. Maybe I'll try your friend Squall instead.  
Zell: No, not Squall! He doesn't deserve to be the hero! It should be me, dammit!  
God: All right, all right! I won't go to Squall. But you'd better start to understand what I'm trying to say here.  
Zell: I understand! I understand! You wanna kill off the human race, right?  
God: Yeah, what do you think the world would be like if chocobos ruled the earth?  
Zell: ...pretty borin'.  
God: You're right. So here's the deal, Zell. I talked it over with the Devil, and you've been chosen to represent mankind and save the world.  
Zell: Wait a minute. What the hell does the Devil have to do with all of this?  
God: You'll understand later on. Right now I have to go.  
Zell: But... But how do I save the world?!  
God: Use your brain. I'm sure you'll figure it out.  
Zell: Okay, I'll try. (God disappears into thin air) Okay, time to get to work.  
Zell's Brain: ...what?  
Zell: (to himself) Think, damn you!  
Zell's Brain: Must eat hot dogs. Must eat hot dogs.  
Zell: Hmm, I think I'll go get some hot dogs.  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria. Zell is sitting at the table, eating a hot dog)  
Zell: If I'm gonna save the world, then I need to work on a full stomach. (the Devil (also from "God, the Devil & Bob") appears beside him)  
Devil: Oh, good day.  
Zell: WHAT?! WHO THE HELL...?!  
Devil: Ever heard of the Devil?  
Zell: Don't tell me you're the Devil?  
Devil: That I am, my friend.  
Zell: Get outta here, Squall! I wasn't born yesterday, y'know? Take that damn Halloween costume off!  
Devil: (turns into the REAL Devil) DO YOU DARE OPPRESS ME?!  
Zell: Aaagh! My bad!  
Devil: (turns back) Ah, so glad to see you fall into line.  
Zell: So God wasn't kiddin', neither.  
Devil: Oh, you've seen him then? He didn't waste any time.  
Zell: He told me that I've been chosen to save the world.  
Devil: Ha! You?! Save the world?! You must be joking!  
Zell: I don't think I am joking. Or maybe it was just a dream...  
Devil: Now I know why I chose you. Oh God, this is going to be fun.  
Zell: So, how do I do it?  
Devil: Don't ask me. If I were God then I would have destroyed this miserable planet ages ago.  
Zell: I'm so confused. Maybe I should ask my friends for help.  
Devil: (laughs) Go ahead! I love a good comedy show!  
Zell: Excuse me?  
Devil: Nothing. I didn't say anything. (disappears; Squall, Rinoa, Irvine and Selphie walk into the cafeteria)  
Zell: Yo! Over here!  
Squall: Hi Zell. What up?  
Zell: You're never gonna guess who I just saw!  
Irvine: ...  
Zell: I just had a very interestin' conversation with... God and the Devil!  
Squall & Rinoa & Irvine & Selphie: No way!  
Zell: Yep! Sure did!  
Irvine: Zell, you've finally flipped.  
Selphie: Zell, remember the time you thought you saw Homer Simpson?  
Zell: He was goin' to the bathroom.  
Rinoa: Zell, you have been known to have a rather large imagination.  
Zell: (quietly) Better than havin' NO imagination...  
Rinoa: What was that?  
Zell: I said I hate Seifer.  
Rinoa: Oh.  
Squall: Zell, you have to stop making up all these crazy stories. We're worried about you.  
Selphie: Yeah. Why don't you go and invent another humorous machine?  
Zell: I'm goin' to my dorm. (walks off)  
Squall: I'm really worried about Zell.  
Rinoa: Me too.  
Selphie: Me three.  
Irvine: (impersonating Selphie) I also wanna get busy with Irvine right about now.  
Rinoa: Oh, Selphie! Please keep it to yourself!  
Selphie: What?! Irvy, you little...! (slaps Irvine in the face)  
Irvine: Ow! I only wanted to entertain! (runs off crying like a wuss)  
  
(Cut to Zell's dorm. He is sitting on his bed)  
Zell: Man, I've got some lousy friends. The only good one is Selphie. And that's only 'cause she's so damn cute. Oh, why can't I transfer to Trabia Garden?!  
God: You wouldn't like it there. Too many dead bodies.  
Zell: God?! What are you doin' back here?!  
God: (appears on the bed next to Zell) I figured you might need a little help in saving the world, so I thought I'd drop by.  
Zell: Oh, God! I don't know what to do! You gotta help me, man!  
God: (sighs) You still didn't figure it out?  
Zell: Figure what out?!  
God: Okay, I'll give you a clue. Have you noticed that Irvine and Selphie have been having some problems lately?  
Zell: Well, no, not really.  
God: Take a look at this. (a swirly vortex appears in front of them; they can see Irvine and Selphie inside it)  
  
(Cut to the hallway. Selphie and Irvine are in Selphie's dorm)  
Selphie: Irvy, I'm just about fed up with your attitude these past few days!  
Irvine: Huh?  
Selphie: You've been flirting with Rinoa and you didn't even notice when I got a new haircut!  
Irvine: Selphie, no one can notice when you get your hair done. It always looks the same no matter what you do with it.  
Selphie: (gasps) How could you be so mean to me?!  
Irvine: I... I'm not being mean, babe.  
Selphie: Up yours! (slaps him in the face)  
Irvine: Ow! Did I actually deserve that?!  
  
(Cut back to Zell's dorm. The vortex fizzes away)  
Zell: Whoa. I never knew they were THAT bad.  
God: Uh huh. But you can help them, Zell.  
Zell: (laughs) So you're sayin' that if I save their relationship, then that'll save the planet, too? Get outta here!  
God: It won't save the planet, no. But it will show me that you can be a reliable and responsible human being, and maybe the earth would be better just left as it is.  
Zell: ???  
God: You'll know what I mean later on. Just help Irvine and Selphie get through their little problem first.  
Zell: All right, I'll help 'em. But don't go holdin' your breath. (gets off the bed and leaves the dorm)  
God: (sighs) I won't.  
  
(Cut to the hallway. Irvine is outside Selphie's dorm. She is throwing all his stuff out into the hallway. Zell approaches)  
Irvine: Sefie, stop!  
Selphie: (from inside her dorm) And you can take THIS, too! (a giant, stuffed moogle doll is thrown out of the dorm; it hits Irvine in the head)  
Irvine: Ow! Not my moogle doll! I sleep with him at night! Selphie, take it back before someone sees!  
Zell: Heh heh! So you sleep with a stuffed animal, huh Irvine?  
Irvine: (embarrassed) N... N... No! I... I... I swear I don't!  
Zell: Yeah, right! Hey, Selphie, got any more for him?  
Zell's Brain: You're supposed to be saving their relationship, remember?  
Zell: Oh, yeah. Irvine, can't you just tell Selphie that you're sorry?  
Irvine: I've tried, man, but she just doesn't listen! (Selphie pokes her head around the door) Oh, Selphie! I knew you'd forgive me!  
Selphie: Forgive you?! You can just take your entire collection of Triple Traid cards, and stick 'em where the sun don't shine!  
Irvine: And where might that be? (Selphie walks out into the hallway) Come to Papa!  
Selphie: You make me sooo mad! (slaps him in the face)  
Irvine: Ow! Why do you keep doin' that?!  
Selphie: I should just shack up with Carbuncle instead!  
Irvine: Who? The GF or the author?  
Selphie: What's the difference?! They're both cute and cuddly!  
Zell: I'm slightly disturbed by that remark...  
Irvine: Selphie, I can change, I can change! I can learn to keep my promises, I swear it! I'll open up my heart and I will share it, any minute now I will be born again!  
Selphie: But what if you never change?! What if you remain a sandy little butt hole?!  
Zell: Man, I can't let them fight like this. I have to do somethin'.  
Irvine: Who're you - the narrator?!  
Zell: I'll level with ya. If you two don't make up then God is gonna destroy the planet.  
Selphie: ...  
Irvine: ... (he and Selphie both laugh) Get lost, Zell!  
Selphie: Destroy the planet?! So cute!  
Irvine: Oh... Now, what were we talkin' about again?  
Selphie: I can't remember. Hey, Irvy, why is all your stuff out here in the hallway?  
Irvine: I... I don't know.  
Selphie: Are you moving out?  
Irvine: I don't think so...  
Selphie: ^_^ Okay, I'll help you clean up. (she and Irvine start to clear the junk away and take it back into Selphie's dorm)  
God: Not bad, Zell.  
Zell: God, you're here!  
God: (appears next to him) Yeah. You did good today. I'm proud of you.  
Zell: Hey, Selphie! Irvine! Look, it's God!  
Irvine: (turns around) Yeah... Okay...  
Zell: What?! Can't you see him?! He's standin' right here!  
Selphie: (sarcastically) Sure he is. Right here.  
Zell: Are you blind?! (Irvine and Selphie continue to clean up)  
God: (laughs) They can't see me, Zell. You're wasting your time.  
Zell: Damn!  
God: And just for that, you can go to hell. (some flames surround Zell and he disappears)  
  
(Cut to hell. The Devil, Smeck and Bob (from "God, the Devil and Bob", of course!) are all there. Zell appears from out of thin air)  
Devil: Oh, God a bit pissed off with you, eh?  
Zell: Whoa! What is this place?!  
Devil: Welcome to hell. Smeck, give him the grand tour.  
Smeck: Yes, sir. (leaves with Zell)  
Zell: Hey, hey! Don't touch the hair!  
Bob: So, who's that guy?  
Devil: You don't need to know, Bob. You really don't need to know.  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
